My dreams

Here I am on the 30th of January 2020 , 6 years after I graduated from medical school in Russia.  I am so greatful to God for His faithfulness  because my plans took a twist  and it blew my mind .

Never in my career did I think that I would work in Zambia . In my mind all I knew is that I would  work in my motherland Malawi and maybe  be married before 30 with a child  . It took a storm for something beautiful to come out of it . Am almost 30 , residing in zambia for the past 6 years  and single . My stay in  Zambia has been nothing but amazing , I have made friends who have become family and I am actually comfortable  with  my life  here.

Internship was a rollercoaster but I finished it either way because  if one can make it in communist Russia , they can make it everywhere  . I started wondering what I would do next since most of my colleagues seemed to be moving ahead with their careers but God wanted me to be still so that He should  make things right  for me  . He sent me friends who are embarking on this new journey with me and I feel blessed to have friends who are supportive of my dreams . I have other friends who have no idea with what I am up to but sometimes it  is better to work in silence and speak about the results .

I kept promising that I would  be blogging more but I think that with life's twist and turn I got lost in the moments .Here is to the new journey  .

Don't  we all wish we were given instructions  or had a glimpse  of how the future would be ? I am sure when  we were young some of would  say " I will finish  secondary school and then go to college  .After I graduate I want to get a  great  job  . I want to get married at 24 or 25 to the guy I love , and have some kids before  30 "
Does that ring a bell ?It does to me , and it makes laugh to see how optimistic I was .Trust  me this  is not only  about  us ladies,guys had simiral aspirations in life too  .

what  happens  when things  do not go your way ? When you did not  go to that college you always wanted to go ?When your grades were not suitable  for the field  you wanted to specialise in and you ended up choosing a different field ?When  you graduated and  you are  unable to get a job till now ?when you are above  25 and you are not married?

As am writting this piece right now I have not achieved  all the dreams that I had . The thing  about  life is that its unpredictable  . Yes I am a doctor  ,I always wished  to  be one. Am I working in Malawi?No I have a job thousands  of kilometres  away from home, and I love  working where I am . Am I married at the age I wanted to be married  ?No am about to clock  28  and still unmarried but am happy. Did I  know that my life will turn out to be what it is now?Absolutely not but I am happy with how  things  are at the  moment.

There are some things that I planned when I was young that did not turn out as planned. All I am saying is that when we were young we made  so many plans   without any back up plans because  we believed   that everything would go according to our plans . We did not know  how cruel this world is because our loved ones shielded  us from the harsh realities of this world for a long time.
We were  like little  birds in a nest , enjoying the comfort,food and warmth of the nest .When it was time for us to fly on our own and out of  that nest that was when we discovered a different side of life.When we were in the nest we did not know about the unfavourable conditions  that can affect our flight .

I always tell my best friend  that God  laughs. Most of you might pause and ask me why?I believe He has laughed at some of our plans because our plans have a tendency to  go against His will . The bible says in the book  of 1 corinthians 2  verse 9 that" no eye has seen and no ear has heard the plans that I (God)has for you"  You get what I am saying right? Then if we go back to the old testament   to the book of Jeremiah  29 verse 11 "For I know the plans  that I have for you ..."  It means that God is trying to tell us that we might make all these plans  for our lives  but He has the final say . A "No" from God  has goodness and love covered  all over it . If things have not gone the way that  you planned them to be I think its time to go back to the drawing board ,make new plans and ask God to guide You .God didnt promise  us an easy life ,but He sill always give  us the strength to carry on even in the toughest of times.

Dear 18 year  old me .
It might be strange that you are getting this letter from me. Don't worry  am here not to criticise  or Judge  you . I am here to share my experience with  you because you are special and this womens day has just reminded  me that now you are a woman, a rare breed , a gem.

First of all , I want to tell you how proud  I am of you and how happy I am with the woman you have become. You are able to take care of yourself and living independently  .You are virtuous  , strong , courageous and modest. It is not easy for someone  to be  a continent away from her family and be able to take care of themselves without adult  supervision . At your age most teenagers think they have made it in life , they  start binge drinking , smoking weed and taking drugs or do some things which makes them think they would look "cool" .Remember , to every action there  is always a reaction dont make decisions whose consequences  will come and haunt you some day. Teenage  pregnancy  is like a fashion , thumbs up for taking care of yourself  and not being a teen mum.

I am so happy that you have pursued with medical school against all odds. I know things are still hard for you but with hard work  and determination  you will make it .If you work hard and do a lot of clinical practise you will graduate from medical  school with flying  colours .There are so many things that you are learning  right now in medical school which  you may think are useless  for your field but know  that knowledge  is never wasted . I know you will make it in the medical world because your are smart , determined  and driven . You will make a great doctor and people will be lucky to be treated by you .

I want to give you a bit of advice about relationships . Most guys will come with a motive  to  use your body,some will come with an intention  of trying  to establish a relationship  with you . Please be on your guard , your body is a temple and its precious. Some people might tell you that a guy who is a bookworm or who is focused on his faith is boring  . Trust me , the boring ones are the keepers, they are safe .The problem with us girls most of the times  is running after guys who have swag , are popular and all over the  place .Sweety popularity and swag attracts girls from all walks of life and that leads to unnecessary competition   which leads to heartache. I dont want  you to be in many experimental  relationships which will end  up making you loose sight of what love really is . If a guy approaches you dont be overly  excited unless he ticks all boxes on your checklist . As a virtuous  woman  you should have a checklist of what you want  in a man , Pray and ask God to guide  you so that He can reveal things that you need to know .God will give you a Boaz and save you from many Judases . If  a guy breaks your heart , dont worry it is not the end of the world  . It will sting like hell ,  you will have to cry.Its okay to cry because in those tears you will learn some mistakes you made and those tears will make you stronger and help you strategise.Dont cry  for someone who breaks your heart because it means God is saving you from worst heartaches .

Some of the things or people  that you think are of  importance  now will not make sense in 8 years to come . Some of the friends that you have now will be strangers in the future  and some strangers will be like family  to you. People say money changes  peoples attitudes but I believe that Money just magnifies peoples hidden characters. Keep friends who pray for you and have your back closer and watch out for friends who will give you bad advice  . Remember advice is there for one to either take it or leave it . Be there for people when they need you , You might never know who will come to your rescue   some day .

Lastly , Remember God loves you so much and He has great things instore  for you .The road will not be all that smooth , it will be bumpy with a lot of diversions but trust Him and all things will work out perfectly  for your own good . Some prayers will look like they are taking long to be answered, don't loose hope because Gods timing is not your timing . Some answers will come in days  , some in months , others in years   but remember His timing  is perfect and He makes things beautiful  in His own  time  . Pray hard and play hard  and work hard  , Love people  and dont sweat the small stuff.

Love 26 year old me .

"Fafa can you hear me ?Are you okay ?"They  both asked me as they wheeled me back from theatre.  These were the first voices that I actually  remember  hearing as  I woke up from the anaesthesia  .
"Help me !!Am dying!It hurts"I said  it in agonising pain . The light  made my eyes hurt .It felt strange and hazzy , it must have been like how those blind men had their sight restored by Jesus .
I dont remember how the anaesthetist  woke me up after i was closed up , I dont even remember going to the recovery room before I was sent  back to the surgical ward.

The pain  was unbearable, its the worst pain that I have ever felt in my life. I have not gone through  labour  but because they say labour pains are the worst kind of pain a human being can ever experience  .My throat hurt everytime I tried to speak or swallow saliva,I bet because of the endotrachel tubes that were passed down my throat to help me breath when I was under the General Anaesthesia .Everything in me hurt and the pain was  unbearable.

I didn't  care about anything else except the fact that I was alive. Everything had changed from that moment . I was weak , helpless ,  in pain ,drowsy  as the nurses wheeled me to my room with Luminya and Prudence  following me.It was all like a movie. I Woke up from the sedation feeling  better  and still drowsy, most of the things that I thought I saw  were actually Hallucinations .

I was not allowed  to eat that day since no one is allowed to eat post  bowel surgery. The next morning which was Day 1  I started to taking fluids, my throat still felt sore but I was glad I  was eating  again .When the wound was exposed I was shocked seeing the  incision.Oh no! This cant  be happening!Why is it big? Is this how my patients  felt the first time I exposed their wound?

Getting out of bed the first day  was painful , I felt like my stitches got pulled when I sat upright .I thought that I was being tortured  when the Nurse forced me out of bed to start walking  to the bathroom . I  felt helpless, depressed , tired .It hit me , I was a patient, not a doctor  anymore. I was bed ridden  ,not the same old active and jovial person that  I have always been .Every night before bed I had to be dosed with something for the pain to help me sleep through the  night. 

Mum came to see me after she got a message that I had been operated on . I could see the tears , the love that was in my  mother's eyes when she gave me her first glance  after not seeing me for 9 months. I was weary , weak but  I pretended to be strong and brave for my mum . I felt happy everytime people came to see me and cheer me up . My unit came to see me , so  did my church friends and all my friends. My unit buddies like Davies and Nigora kept coming to check on me till  I was discharged  on the 3rd day . It has been one long journey and still going but this experience  made me see things on a different perspective.

 As doctors all we do is open up people and close them up , send them home and tell them to come for a review .We do not know how they feel afterwards  . When they complain we think that they are small bearable things that can be easily be dealt with by taking  pain killers but are there  pain killers for the mind?

When you are on the other side things are  different you become  helpless, the wound hurts and there is this physical  pain one experiences because the body has been tampered with .The emotional pain comes because  there is something  new on your body that you did not expect  . Now its 9 weeks since my operation and I can say that I am getting there , its  a process.I could cry every  time I saw my wound or whenever I was in pain but my friend Christine  kept encouraging me to stay strong because what I had was a battle scar to remind me that I  am a gladiator and I should be proud of  it. I am thankful for all the friends and family who took care of  me  , stood by my side and encouraged me...I  owe  you guys.

Honestly  growing up is the hardest thing in ones life . There are so many changes that we go through each passing year . As the year is coming to an end am starting to reflect on things that have happened to me .

I have learnt , loved ,lived .I have made new friends and lost old friends . I am glad that this year has taught me who my friends really are . Letting go of  toxic friendship  is one thing I had to learn . I am so happy that I have people who I can call family . Some people I thought were my friends ended up betraying me in the worst way , well with time it will be okay .

I have learned what love is about .It's not always about making the other person happy but starts with me . Relationship  wise well there some hiatus  but I know that the reason why some never worked out is because God was protecting me . Love starts with God and then Me.

My family still has my back and I can never trade them for anything.  I love you guys .There are problems which I am facing but hey am  human  and I am not prefect .

One last thing !I am almost done with my Obstetrics  and gynecology  rotation . I have learned alot and I met wonderful doctors who have taught me and made me a better intern . Thanks you guys !

I wonder why am writting this today in the dark because of the long blackouts we have .  I guess I have to catch up on my writting skills once more .

"Scalpel!Forceps! Can I get suture to arrest this bleeding Please?!"
"Doc how are the patients vitals?Can we proceed ?"
"Doc the patient is getting hypotensive ,let's hurry up"
"Am about to close the sheath. We shall be done soon "
This is part of the usual conversation in the Operating room.  I can not  say that most of the times the surgeries become dramatic with bleeders or other   bodly fluids gushing out .
Some days are quiet ,surgeries are done as we talk about events happening around us .
Surgeons are heroes in scrubs . Most people  might not recognise them because they usually do the deed while the patients are unaware . Surgeons  stand for several hours without bathroom breaks or snack break until the procedure is done .
Once  a patient is placed on the table   it does not become about  you anymore ,it's all about the patient's life and the Operating rooms  sterility.There is that relief that comes once you scrub out and the patient is off to the recovery room .
In brief , Surgeons are heroes and  Gladiators in scrubs!

Forceps please ! Can I get some suction ?
BP is dropping!Lets arrest this bleeder stat!

Just like it is in the medical series . O.R are quiet busy and hectic . At the end of the day what gives us relaxation is knowing that  our patients are stable .

Thats part of my surgical  team right there perfoming a hysterectomy .Cool term right?  Sometimes  surgeries are quiet challenging because you don't  know what you will find when you open a patient up . Sometimes its   different from what the scans say . But hey thats what makes it interesting sometimes.

Kudos to these seniors ,they are making  my stay quiet comfortable  and the best thing is the confidence they have in me and teaching me . They push me to go above my limits. The journey  through medicine continues .