My dreams

Dear 18 year  old me .
It might be strange that you are getting this letter from me. Don't worry  am here not to criticise  or Judge  you . I am here to share my experience with  you because you are special and this womens day has just reminded  me that now you are a woman, a rare breed , a gem.

First of all , I want to tell you how proud  I am of you and how happy I am with the woman you have become. You are able to take care of yourself and living independently  .You are virtuous  , strong , courageous and modest. It is not easy for someone  to be  a continent away from her family and be able to take care of themselves without adult  supervision . At your age most teenagers think they have made it in life , they  start binge drinking , smoking weed and taking drugs or do some things which makes them think they would look "cool" .Remember , to every action there  is always a reaction dont make decisions whose consequences  will come and haunt you some day. Teenage  pregnancy  is like a fashion , thumbs up for taking care of yourself  and not being a teen mum.

I am so happy that you have pursued with medical school against all odds. I know things are still hard for you but with hard work  and determination  you will make it .If you work hard and do a lot of clinical practise you will graduate from medical  school with flying  colours .There are so many things that you are learning  right now in medical school which  you may think are useless  for your field but know  that knowledge  is never wasted . I know you will make it in the medical world because your are smart , determined  and driven . You will make a great doctor and people will be lucky to be treated by you .

I want to give you a bit of advice about relationships . Most guys will come with a motive  to  use your body,some will come with an intention  of trying  to establish a relationship  with you . Please be on your guard , your body is a temple and its precious. Some people might tell you that a guy who is a bookworm or who is focused on his faith is boring  . Trust me , the boring ones are the keepers, they are safe .The problem with us girls most of the times  is running after guys who have swag , are popular and all over the  place .Sweety popularity and swag attracts girls from all walks of life and that leads to unnecessary competition   which leads to heartache. I dont want  you to be in many experimental  relationships which will end  up making you loose sight of what love really is . If a guy approaches you dont be overly  excited unless he ticks all boxes on your checklist . As a virtuous  woman  you should have a checklist of what you want  in a man , Pray and ask God to guide  you so that He can reveal things that you need to know .God will give you a Boaz and save you from many Judases . If  a guy breaks your heart , dont worry it is not the end of the world  . It will sting like hell ,  you will have to cry.Its okay to cry because in those tears you will learn some mistakes you made and those tears will make you stronger and help you strategise.Dont cry  for someone who breaks your heart because it means God is saving you from worst heartaches .

Some of the things or people  that you think are of  importance  now will not make sense in 8 years to come . Some of the friends that you have now will be strangers in the future  and some strangers will be like family  to you. People say money changes  peoples attitudes but I believe that Money just magnifies peoples hidden characters. Keep friends who pray for you and have your back closer and watch out for friends who will give you bad advice  . Remember advice is there for one to either take it or leave it . Be there for people when they need you , You might never know who will come to your rescue   some day .

Lastly , Remember God loves you so much and He has great things instore  for you .The road will not be all that smooth , it will be bumpy with a lot of diversions but trust Him and all things will work out perfectly  for your own good . Some prayers will look like they are taking long to be answered, don't loose hope because Gods timing is not your timing . Some answers will come in days  , some in months , others in years   but remember His timing  is perfect and He makes things beautiful  in His own  time  . Pray hard and play hard  and work hard  , Love people  and dont sweat the small stuff.

Love 26 year old me .

"Fafa can you hear me ?Are you okay ?"They  both asked me as they wheeled me back from theatre.  These were the first voices that I actually  remember  hearing as  I woke up from the anaesthesia  .
"Help me !!Am dying!It hurts"I said  it in agonising pain . The light  made my eyes hurt .It felt strange and hazzy , it must have been like how those blind men had their sight restored by Jesus .
I dont remember how the anaesthetist  woke me up after i was closed up , I dont even remember going to the recovery room before I was sent  back to the surgical ward.

The pain  was unbearable, its the worst pain that I have ever felt in my life. I have not gone through  labour  but because they say labour pains are the worst kind of pain a human being can ever experience  .My throat hurt everytime I tried to speak or swallow saliva,I bet because of the endotrachel tubes that were passed down my throat to help me breath when I was under the General Anaesthesia .Everything in me hurt and the pain was  unbearable.

I didn't  care about anything else except the fact that I was alive. Everything had changed from that moment . I was weak , helpless ,  in pain ,drowsy  as the nurses wheeled me to my room with Luminya and Prudence  following me.It was all like a movie. I Woke up from the sedation feeling  better  and still drowsy, most of the things that I thought I saw  were actually Hallucinations .

I was not allowed  to eat that day since no one is allowed to eat post  bowel surgery. The next morning which was Day 1  I started to taking fluids, my throat still felt sore but I was glad I  was eating  again .When the wound was exposed I was shocked seeing the  incision.Oh no! This cant  be happening!Why is it big? Is this how my patients  felt the first time I exposed their wound?

Getting out of bed the first day  was painful , I felt like my stitches got pulled when I sat upright .I thought that I was being tortured  when the Nurse forced me out of bed to start walking  to the bathroom . I  felt helpless, depressed , tired .It hit me , I was a patient, not a doctor  anymore. I was bed ridden  ,not the same old active and jovial person that  I have always been .Every night before bed I had to be dosed with something for the pain to help me sleep through the  night. 

Mum came to see me after she got a message that I had been operated on . I could see the tears , the love that was in my  mother's eyes when she gave me her first glance  after not seeing me for 9 months. I was weary , weak but  I pretended to be strong and brave for my mum . I felt happy everytime people came to see me and cheer me up . My unit came to see me , so  did my church friends and all my friends. My unit buddies like Davies and Nigora kept coming to check on me till  I was discharged  on the 3rd day . It has been one long journey and still going but this experience  made me see things on a different perspective.

 As doctors all we do is open up people and close them up , send them home and tell them to come for a review .We do not know how they feel afterwards  . When they complain we think that they are small bearable things that can be easily be dealt with by taking  pain killers but are there  pain killers for the mind?

When you are on the other side things are  different you become  helpless, the wound hurts and there is this physical  pain one experiences because the body has been tampered with .The emotional pain comes because  there is something  new on your body that you did not expect  . Now its 9 weeks since my operation and I can say that I am getting there , its  a process.I could cry every  time I saw my wound or whenever I was in pain but my friend Christine  kept encouraging me to stay strong because what I had was a battle scar to remind me that I  am a gladiator and I should be proud of  it. I am thankful for all the friends and family who took care of  me  , stood by my side and encouraged me...I  owe  you guys.