My dreams

Honestly  growing up is the hardest thing in ones life . There are so many changes that we go through each passing year . As the year is coming to an end am starting to reflect on things that have happened to me .

I have learnt , loved ,lived .I have made new friends and lost old friends . I am glad that this year has taught me who my friends really are . Letting go of  toxic friendship  is one thing I had to learn . I am so happy that I have people who I can call family . Some people I thought were my friends ended up betraying me in the worst way , well with time it will be okay .

I have learned what love is about .It's not always about making the other person happy but starts with me . Relationship  wise well there some hiatus  but I know that the reason why some never worked out is because God was protecting me . Love starts with God and then Me.

My family still has my back and I can never trade them for anything.  I love you guys .There are problems which I am facing but hey am  human  and I am not prefect .

One last thing !I am almost done with my Obstetrics  and gynecology  rotation . I have learned alot and I met wonderful doctors who have taught me and made me a better intern . Thanks you guys !

I wonder why am writting this today in the dark because of the long blackouts we have .  I guess I have to catch up on my writting skills once more .

"Scalpel!Forceps! Can I get suture to arrest this bleeding Please?!"
"Doc how are the patients vitals?Can we proceed ?"
"Doc the patient is getting hypotensive ,let's hurry up"
"Am about to close the sheath. We shall be done soon "
This is part of the usual conversation in the Operating room.  I can not  say that most of the times the surgeries become dramatic with bleeders or other   bodly fluids gushing out .
Some days are quiet ,surgeries are done as we talk about events happening around us .
Surgeons are heroes in scrubs . Most people  might not recognise them because they usually do the deed while the patients are unaware . Surgeons  stand for several hours without bathroom breaks or snack break until the procedure is done .
Once  a patient is placed on the table   it does not become about  you anymore ,it's all about the patient's life and the Operating rooms  sterility.There is that relief that comes once you scrub out and the patient is off to the recovery room .
In brief , Surgeons are heroes and  Gladiators in scrubs!

Forceps please ! Can I get some suction ?
BP is dropping!Lets arrest this bleeder stat!

Just like it is in the medical series . O.R are quiet busy and hectic . At the end of the day what gives us relaxation is knowing that  our patients are stable .

Thats part of my surgical  team right there perfoming a hysterectomy .Cool term right?  Sometimes  surgeries are quiet challenging because you don't  know what you will find when you open a patient up . Sometimes its   different from what the scans say . But hey thats what makes it interesting sometimes.

Kudos to these seniors ,they are making  my stay quiet comfortable  and the best thing is the confidence they have in me and teaching me . They push me to go above my limits. The journey  through medicine continues .

Where have the strong men who we read in novels about or watched in movies gone to? Where are men who are not afraid to conquer or face anything that is on their way?You may  wonder where all these questions are coming from.I was watching a movie on Television which was about relationships. Well that is one of the hot topics people my age discuss  isn't it?

Is it that we ladies have a check list which is not ideal for any guy around and then we sit down , complain that the men who approach us are not on our checklist ?Well it depends on an individual  , I can not speak based on other people's experience . For some women , they try as much as they can to find a man whose qualities tick their list . If they meet a particular guy whose qualities  do not  tick half of their list then they walk away before its too late .Can I blame such women? No I can not because most of the women who are serious about dating a man whose are ticking on their checklist have been through hell and back with men who messed them up yet the men were not up to their standards . So they decided to Sit down  and create a list thanks to the guys which broke their hearts. 

Most of the times when it comes to moving on  and healing from a break up , men take time to heal when they have been hurt by a woman  they loved. Hold it !That's society  talking right there. I have been raised in a society which has taught me that men are weak creatures,men are like children .
Let's start with weak shall we. In situations  where a man has faced a major heart break and has resorted into sleeping and playing with many women . Some people tend to understand and pitty such men for their actions because they say a man's heart break is more painful than a woman's  heartbreak. Come on!That is a lame excuse.  What about us women ? Were  we created with different hearts ? No way! God Sees us the same in His eyes  .It's time we stop making excuses for men that they are fragile. 
Men are weak !Once a guy has had a heart break it's hard for him to move on and open up to someone else after healing.  Women on the other hand heal and let go ,we try to hope for a better next relationship.
Men are  scared  of commitment  once someone breaks their tiny heart. Come on guys !How many hearts have have you broken and how many girls have cried for you but still had the power to move on and like someone else .

According to the society where I have been raised ,older women usually  advise me that men are like kids . They need to be nurtured and raised . Can  you raise a man ? If his mother did not manage then who are you to raise a man . Why do we waste time making excuses for men and doing.things that they can do because we think they are men . The bible clearly indicates our roles as woman and men in the society ! Why should we then switch roles and do things that men are supposed to do for us ? I think it's time we change our perspective and expect men to be men ,not Boys!Time to start considering strong men who pursue us
. I  know you are out there and it's just a matter of time  .

My first week  in obstetrics  has been quiet interesting. I was praying to God to send me back to my old unit where I rotated but then I ended up in a different unit. I must say , I was impressed  how God works because He sent me to a different unit which is good as my old unit. I might not have gone to the unit which I wanted but God sent me a good unit which has good colleagues .

Obstetrics is quiet involving because it's all about hands on and thinking fast . Every second counts in obstetrics, I have to think fast if a mother comes with fetal distress. It means thinking about a tactic which will involve saving both the mother and the unborn baby. The pregnancy period is 3/4 of a year so every woman wants to deliver and get over with it to start a new phase ,motherhood!

It  is quiet tiresome especially on call days when I  have to be in labour ward the whole day admitting mothers . What put a smile on my face is seeing a mother who came in pain smile as she carries   her bundle or bundles of joy . I am yet to learn more about it but as for now I will just enjoy the ride .

I really enjoyed my holiday in Malawi.  Seems like 2 weeks was not enough you stay home since I have not been home for 7 months since I last got posted . It was good to reconnect with  my friends and family.  Although I never had  enough time to meet everyone  who I promised to meet .It was hard to visit all places and see all people because I was tied up with a lot of family issues . I am truly sorry for that. 

I am back in Lusaka now.Will report at obstetrics  and gynecology.  Yey!The beauty of pregnancy and bringing life into this world. I am so excited and I hope it will be a wonderful experience with good mentors to mentor me .

I have been talking to alot of people who have I can call  a slightly pressing issue concerning the people they like . I have come to realise that there is a difference between men and women when it comes to liking one another .
Most of the times when a guy likes a girl he wants to get to know her better . He wants to be her friend first,  in other words "friend  zone " her . He wants to study her ,dig deeper  to know her true colours , what she likes and hates the whole shebang  .
We ladies are different !When a guy likes us we want the guy to ask us out and then when things are official  we start studying the person . As long as the person is single and he's is serious about dating us ,we are good to go . We don't have time to start friend zoning you!Once you're friend zoned it means ure on the brother list and  we won't be interested to promote you to the Bae position .

This is where men and women differ ,most men think we are impatient because we like someone and then after some weeks of trying to get to know that person we want to be asked out.We want to know where a our conversations are  leading to . One of the annoying things that most of us find is when someone shows interest in you and  start slacking after sometime.The calls stop , the messages are responded after so many hours or not at all . That is why we don't like it when guys want to get to know us better . They loose interest after a while and then waste our time ,sucks to know that one's time has been wasted .

I believe that if someone is really interested in you,  they won't give excuses like they are busy or trying to take things slow. Come on !there are 24 hours a day , so you mean you can't spare time to find out how someone you show interest in is doing ? If you like someone pay attention to them, find  out how they are doing. Guys stop making someone like you and then stop paying attention  to them when they also show interest.

People always say that in life we have to compromise  when it comes to looking for a life partner . They continue  with the  famous saying that we can't always get what we want but at the end we get what we need .I don't totally agree with that ,why settle for less when the best is out there ?

Most of my girls say they need a man .I don't need a mere  man , I need a goddamn warrior !Why should I end up with a mere man when I know that there are many warriors out there ? I want the father of my children to be a hero , to be someone who people will look up to .My man among other men will be like a finest apple tree in an Orchard  ! My checklist might seem like it's out of this world but it really isn't. 

Some people would ask me what  I mean by warrior. According to Wikipedia a warrior can be defined as someone who shows or has shown great vigour , courage or aggressiveness in athletics,keep that picture in mind .My warrior is an imagination  of those strong muscular men in the Spartan times who carried a shield and had heavy armoury . My imagination is wild right ?

My own version of a warrior is a strong ,courageous man with characteristics  of a D.I.V.A . Yes! I said it , diva!Now you might think this like a combination  of a man who is strong ,built but he's also wearing tutu .No ! D.I.V.A  is an abbreviation  of what I would like to see in a suitable partner.

D~DETERMINED .
A man must be determined  to do the right things ,be reliable and highly respected  in the society . Determined to achieve his goals in life , to push beyond his limits .Determined  to challenge me by pushing me to do better , I like men who challenge and encourage  me ,don't get it twisted there is a difference between a control freak , a critic and a leader .
To be a leader and take charge in handling  any difficult situation in our relationship .To be determined enough   to face obstacles and solve problems  with me,he's my partner  and best friend remember?He must be able to lean on me  and need my help in times of problems ,he might  be strong but he will need me at times  .He must be determined enough to  form a strong relationship between my future mother in law  and me ,something  which some men are not willing to do.

I~INTELLIGENT
A warrior must be intelligent , I don't mean that he must have a very high I.Q like Albert Einstein . Intelligence  is obtained from reading books ,attending mentorship programmes and researching.Intelligent  men are attractive, I don't want a Jhonny  Bravo who is strong but as dumb as a blonde.
He must be intelligent enough to start peeling layer by layer of my ideas as he penetrates deep  into my head ,making love to my  thoughts as I conceive a brilliant  plan . I want a man who is active  when we are having a conversation such that it must be productive ,brain shaking and intriguing.A man who reads books with me and has a lot of entrepreneurship ideas with long term and short  term goals .An intelligent man makes plans for 5-10 years to come, he invests and takes risks .Honey if you have all these qualities then you have my attention !

V~VIRTUOUS
We all want a partner who has virtues .No one wants a man who misbehaves everywhere he goes like he was not raised in a good home. What makes a man virtuous? I believe that a man virtues are  obtained from having a good relationship with God and knowledge of the Bible.  A virtuous man will treat you according what the bible  says .He will love and respect you according to the biblical concept.He will love you like Solomon in the Songs of Solomon,romantic isn't it ?
Your warrior should pray with you when you have a problem or when something good has happened . When a man is deep rooted in the bible and has a good relationship with God ,he won't go about chasing Jezebels and mistreating you.He will be your spiritual prayer  warrior and partner .He will wear a full armour of God which will contain faith,righteousness ,truth and some accessories like perserverance, patience, kindness to help him through his fight .Your warrior  must try to help you create a good relationship with your spiritual  inlaw who happens to be God . Who doesn't want that in a man ?

A~AGGRESSIVE
Warning :This is not about physical  or emotional violence !
When I say aggressive I mean that my warrior must guard and protect our relationship  aggressively in a positive way .He will not let my past mistakes or our past arguments determine the state of our relationship.  Love should not keep record of wrong according to the book Corinthians.  I will make mistakes now and again but it will require his patience,forgiveness and understanding  to maintain  stability of our relationship. He has to fight for me! I am his woman ,his side kick and his number one fan .If people out there are busy tarnishing my image and making up stories about me which are toxic he must stand up for me as I would stand up for him if the tables turned.

Mere men do not possess such qualities but warriors who have undergone training ,with lots of experience and have passed through fire and rain do .I repeat ! I need a goddamn warrior  not a mere man !

This afternoon I sat on the patio with my friend and confidante catching up since we haven't seen each other in months . During our one of conversations we started talking about relationships and their drama.
We just reached a conclusion that when a man wants to stay In your life , he will stay on your life no matter what . He can have a side chick who is rich , who spoils him many ways . Showers him with gifts , fuelling his car and running his errands . If he wants to stay with you he will stick around no matter what the side chick does !
A man can be in a non sexual relationship with you and get a side chick who he screws the brains out of her every now and then .The side chick can be a slut in bed and do whatever pleases him and yet ure with him in this non sexual relationship , if he wants to stay with you , he will stay with you !
A man can have a side chick who is tired of being a side chick and wants to be promoted to main chick by planning a hostile takeover from you . If the guy wants to stay with you, he will stay with you . One thing about hostile takeover is that it needs both parties to be willing ,the guy and the side chick .
I am not promoting infidelity or backing the male species but then the conclusion is that if a man wants to be with you he will be with you . Sometimes we try so hard to keep a man who is not worth it to be in our lives .We waste our time and sometimes  invest in the guy thinking that maybe he will stick around . Always remember that it's risky to invest in a man or waste time with someone whose intentions are not clear .
Let me conclude that no matter what you do , if someone wants to be with you they will be with you and it doesn't require you to go an extra mile for him to stay .

Most of the times I hear men talking about how they want to date or settle down with a proverbs 31 woman .
We all know the proverbs 31 woman who is described to be a virtous , pure woman who is worth far more than jewels .A woman who is strong , hard working ,filled with wisdom ,whose husband puts his confidence in her etc etc .

After playing and sampling a lot of women , some men want to settle down with a proverbs 31 woman .The one who will be the mother of their children and the manager of their household . It's ironic how players too want to settle down with a virtuous woman  after playing and breaking a lot of hearts. Don't get me wrong , I don't mean that settling down with a virtous partner is wrong because we all know that marriage is" till death"as per vows.  

What if men tried to see things in a bigger picture perspective . Instead of focusing on finding the proverbs 31 lady, "the one " you must also be "the one ".  Be the Ephesians 5 men  which all women want to settle down with .Part of  Ephesians 5 teaches about how men must live .

You can not expect to find a Ruth when you are busy sexing a lot of women and flirting with each and everything which wears a skirt . Women find that as a sign of immaturity and it's a turn off !A Ruth will not show any interest in you if you are busy doing such things .You can not expect a Ruth to give you a second look when she notices that you are a man who has no vision and plans for the future. Come on !We all want to settle down with a man who has  a vision , not a man who is lazy and confused.Who does not even know whether he wants Cornflakes for breakfast or supper.

Ephesians 5 trains , instructs , rebukes and corrects men on how to live .It talks about how men (it actually says Husbands)should love their wives just as Christ loved the church and gave His life for it .26 He did this to dedicate the church to God by His word , After making it clean by washing it in water . 27 in order to present the church to Himself in all its beauty -pure and faultless,without spot or wrinkle or any other imperfection .28.men ought to love their wives just as they love their own bodies.

So Christ loved the church and made sure that it was pure, faultless and without spot or wrinkle . To me it actually says that men must love a woman enough not to physically hurt them , or emotionally torture them . If you want to present ur future wife to yourself then it means that you must cultivate that relationship where there is understanding and based on God's ways .That day when she is being presented to you she must not be in a state of an emotional wreck or physically abused by you .She must not have aborted several times because you were not ready to have children  or have been treated for an STI that you contracted somewhere and gave it to her . No one would want to harm their own body, so why hurt someone . As a man you must be a leader , on the fore front in a relationship which is based on Godly principles .
We are not perfect, I can't disagree on that, I am not perfect too and I am striving to perfection and trying to let go of my vices . But through this I am actually looking for a man who will help me grow and glow in God , I know he won't be perfect but those imperfections are the ones that we should work on together.
I want to be faultless,spotless and without a wrinkle as I will be presented to him on the alter that fine day . It won't take a day or two to reach that level , it's just a day at a time .As I am looking for that Ephesians 5 guy I am also trying to be that proverbs 31 lady . I am Working on me and trying to get to know me better before someone does.

I can't believe that this journey is over .It has been 7 months since I started working with the little ones . I must say , it was a wonderful experience . I have learnt a lot in my rotations in pediatrics .

I have been reminded that a mother love is one of the best in the world . I have seen mothers not giving up and abandoning their babies no matter the condition ,that is unconditional love .It made me have a stronger bond with my mother because it reminded me of the days when I was young and I could get very sick . I was the "sick " one in the family ,and I think that was  one of the factors that motivated me to be a doctor . I pray that I should be loving and caring to my children like my mother was to us .  Love you Mum .

I have seen some mothers abandoning their sick children , it would break my heart to see that after carrying a child for 9 months and suffering they would just bail out on their children . In Africa we do not take post partum depression seriously because we have been raised to believe that a woman's responsibility is to take care of her children  no matter what .
I think this is an issue which we have to take into  serious consideration because I have seen cases where a mother doesn't want to hold her child after birth but she is forced to.Later the child is abandoned or dumped in a pit latrine .
Life is indeed so unfair , some women  are doing unbelievable things, eating things that's they are not supposed to eat like fecal matter and other herbs because a herbalist told them to for them to conceive .Then there are those who are pregnant and don't want to have a child . Life can not be understood sometimes anyway .

I have worked with wonderful people and mean people too . I am thankful for the mean people who pushed me out of my comfort zone to make me work harder and do better . It taught me to grow and realise that not all people use the same approach to teach you . The colleagues who were patient with Me , thank you .

I am an intern and internship is a learning process , there is still more to learn because medicine is complex and u learn new things every day . I will not be afraid when I have kids as patients somewhere is Shang'ombo or Kashikishi , you know why ? Because I learned from the best ! Bye Pediatrics 

It hurts to love and not be loved in return .Mostly if we don't see and know love on the biblical perspective which tells us to love one another even though the other person hurts us .Loving someone based on the book of  1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which tells us that love is patient ,love is kind ,it does not keep record of wrong ,it does not boast .....

Loving someone without expecting to be loved back is something that most of us are not able to do . It involves studying their character to know what makes them happy or sad ,embracing their flaws by remembering that no one is perfect.Trying to understand why they act a certain way ,how to handle them on their best and  worst behavior .Trying so hard to make sure that each passing day you do things to put a smile on their face . It is cumbersome to do all these things for someone who does not value you the same way you value them . It's human nature to seek attention , to be cared for and to be loved .

You might feel like a loser to love someone who doesn't love you back .Maybe it's wrong to feel this way ,loving someone who doesn't love you the same way makes you stronger and gives u a sense of relief  to know that in spite of them not loving you back ,love was planted and it grew in your heart .